November 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

this time of night is hard.

far gone is the tolerable frame of midnight-1am, and so far away is the light of morning.
i have tried just about anything, but i simply cannot seem to shake this awful sleeping habit.
being lonely and wide awake at 4am got old after — let’s say, one night? yeah, one night was plenty.

but, even when i am tired… even when every thing is turned off, and i’m in total darkness, i still have trouble falling asleep, because my mind is still very much on.

my mind feels giant, fluorescent, flickering OPEN sign.

just when you think the light is finally going to give out… it doesn’t. it just flickers, and then continues to illuminate that agonizingly neon light.

i’m positive that my thoughts actually start reeling faster and faster once everything around me is dark and still… because once my distractions are silenced, i’m all there is left. and because everything in my mind is illuminated, no thought goes un-noticed. all the contents are out in the open, glowing with a bright-blue hue… so, when i’m laying in bed, i think about everything. it is terrible.

some nights, i am so desperate to fall asleep and escape my thoughts that i actually try to visualize “turning off” my brain; flipping the proverbial switch… watching the turning gears slowly come to a standstill until finally, there is peace. at least, for a while.
… but i can’t remember if that has ever actually worked.

fight club reference that i can completely relate to #2:

“with insomnia, you’re never really asleep; you’re never really awake. nothing is real. everything is far away. everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.”

so far away.
i don’t want to think my own thoughts anymore.

… it’s almost funny that i say that, seeing as how i watched half of “being john malkovich” tonight.

“you see the world through john malkovich’s eyes. then after about 15 minutes, you’re spit out into a ditch on the side of the new jersey turnpike.”

even if only for 15 minutes…
if only.

– d.


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