“i’m doing okay.”

December 20, 2010 § Leave a comment

not everything has to be so cryptic. people wouldn’t think any less of your intelligence if you decided to converse like a normal person. “what is normal?” no. no… shut up.

stop reacting. i need clarity. a cluttered mind overwhelmed with raw emotions has no room for simplicity, nor peace, nor understanding.

don’t worry; after three months, i think i’m used to being alone.

i hate screens. no, i detest them. i despise them.

my entire spirit has never so longingly craved the need to start completely over.

i just really wish i was tall enough to wear high-waisted skirts and pants.

i think i’m coming to terms with how my face really looks.

i’ve been sleeping terribly… i have no energy while i’m awake. i am exhausted all the hours i’m conscious. i’m begging for decent rest, but it never comes. nothing is working. everything aches.

yesterday, i was reading a piece of writing about what it means to be a “twenty-something”… and i came across this comment:
“doesn’t anyone find anything wrong with the fact that so many people are living such vacuous, pretentious lives that a stereotype can be made about it?”

i do. and it’s sad, isn’t it? i’m not saying i’m any less confused, any less scared, or any less insecure. but frankly, i’m really tired of being disappointed. i’m so tired of the cop-outs. i’m tired of the excuses. i’m tired of watching beautiful, unique, intelligent things become stereotypical garbage. it’s drained me. i can’t take it anymore. i can’t.

maybe taking a semester off would be good for me.
i need fresh air.
i just want to read books.
i want to read a ton of books.
i want to paint giant canvases.
i want to use my hands. i want to go for long walks.
i want to feel the rain.
and i want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
i just want some time to breathe. because right now i’m drowning.

i really need some time to exist… outside of every single thing and everyone i know.

i just need to be me for a while.
… whatever that may mean.

i’m sorry, but… is that really so much to ask… ?

– d.

*edit:

tonight, i decided to lay in the snow in my backyard and look at the moon for a while.
i thought back to all the different nights over the years that i’ve sat in my backyard at night and gazed at that same moon… and it was then that was fully content with being at home: away from the bustling of the big city. away from my tiny apartment. away from… everything.
it seems that i learned a long time ago that sometimes, all i really need is to deeply breathe the fresh central oregon air into my lungs, to exhale my worries, and to just be present. be still.

i think, often in our world, we so easily forget what it means to just be in the moment. to feel our life. and i mean really feel it… to hear our breath. to feel the pulsing in our veins.

i have felt these moments before. and, while they are few, they are so vivid in memory… perhaps as a reminder from my sub-conscious that i need to work on creating more of them.

in one of my favorite films, the narrator’s monologue at the end reads like this:

“… it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much. my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. and then it flows through me like rain. and i can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

gratitude. simplicity. full-consciousness.
these are some of the things that let me feel life.
these are some of the things that allow me to appreciate every single little moment: good, bad, whatever.

… obviously, i’ve gotten a lot of thoughts out of my system today.
i guess i’m doing okay.

be still.
and you’ll see.
i promise.

– d.

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