March 1, 2011 § 2 Comments
this scenario plays out a lot in my life:
the desire to write; to get some half-coherent ideas or thoughts out of my head on down on paper (or on screen) to try to make some sense of it all.
and then here i am at my kitchen table… not even knowing where to start.
the voice in my head is, perhaps, a bit more eloquent and fluid in sorting out my thoughts.
but tonight i’m going to try my best.
i’ll be honest, i’ve been a bit distracted. this phase of quietness is fast approaching its end. looking back at my blogs that have been published over the past two months, i ask myself, “did i get what i needed?” and the answer is… i’m not sure. maybe i wasn’t sure what i needed in the first place.
maybe what i truly needed was for life to play out in front of me for a little bit. if that’s that case, then my answer is “yes”… i did get what i needed.
i feel like i’m an idealistic person. i romanticize things. i daydream. and i become disappointed and disillusioned when reality and my sentiments to what i hope my reality to be don’t match up.
i don’t mean that i expect circumstances to be perfect all the time… it’s just… i feel like i have exhausted my current resources in getting the life that i really want. i’m impatient. i feel unsatisfied. i feel unfulfilled.
– this is why i write. this makes sense now.
although, i can’t help but feel like i have come to this conclusion over and over, but obviously, i need to remind myself: do i have time? yes.
my mantra for the last six months: i’ll get my chance.
and i really will.
life seems to be one, giant lesson in patience.
it’s also come to my attention that i have people to prove wrong.
other people’s personal standards and expectations do not necessarily motivate me to do certain things… i feel like that would be the wrong motivation.
but i’d be lying if i said it didn’t feel good to prove people wrong.
i’ll get my chance.
there’s this word that’s been on my mind a lot:
fleeting: rapid and transient. “a fleeting glimpse of the sea.”
the word comes to mind when i take photos.
yesterday, i came across this essay called, “photography is easy, photography is difficult” by paul graham. here is an excerpt that really struck a chord within me:
“It’s so difficult because it’s everywhere, every place, all the time, even right now. It’s the view of this pen in my hand as I write this, it’s an image of your hands holding this book, Drift your consciousness up and out of this text and see: it’s right there, across the room – there… and there. Then it’s gone. You didn’t photograph it, because you didn’t think it was worth it. And now it’s too late, that moment has evaporated. But another one has arrived, instantly. Now. Because life is flowing through and around us, rushing onwards and onwards, in every direction.”
all moments are fleeting. why do i choose to capture the moments that i do? what are my impulses? this afternoon, i was lucky enough to spend some time with a good friend, in the sunshine and in one of my favorite places. i have succeeded in my goal in taking my camera everywhere with me; i had my camera this afternoon. but i only took a handful of photos. why?
well, there are a lot of possible answers to that question, but…
my impulses are safe, i think. they are to capture the things that are conventionally beautiful.
there is unconventional beauty all around me — all the time. and i choose not to capture because i feel like i won’t do it justice. i feel like i wouldn’t be able to make people see it…
clearly, it’s time to change that. life is too short to take the same photos over and over again. i think one of the hardest things to do is to challenge your impulses… but i’m equipped.
not only is present life very much about patience, but growth in challenging myself to be better; challenging myself to live up to my own expectations, and to only blame myself, my lack of boldness, and my lack of zeal for the things i love when i fall short of what i want.
for once, i’m not afraid to fall short…
because i know that circumstances will never be perfect.
my daydreaming mind will never be 100% satisfied with the true monotony of daily life.
i will probably always want something that i can’t have.
but these things and these frustrations pale in comparison to the possibilities that can truly be.
i’ve been telling myself over and over, “i’ll get my chance”…
my chance is right now.
as for everything else… let it be.
life is fleeting. make things happen.